Somewhere Inside
Every day it gets harder and harder for me to talk in public, mostly at work. The other day I was standing around in a smoking circle outside when all eyes and ears suddenly focused on me. Usually my attempts at joining in on conversations are rudely trumped by those who are already speaking, or those higher in the social structure who have more of a right to speak than me, and especially those who actually smoke and therefore have a reason to be standing there. Who is this guy who stands around with an empty coffee mug, trying to fit in? No matter. I usually get a few words into my verbal contribution before somebody else talks right over me, going off talking about their kids, or their movie date from the night before, or how much they hate work or how hot a day it is outside. Wasn't it going to rain? I thought they'd called for rain.
But then the other day rather suddenly they just happened to tune in to the fact that I was standing there at the exact same time I was opening my mouth to start a new sentence, and then Bam!, just like that, like a deer caught in a set of headlights, the gaze of my work peers speared me to the center of my consciousness and I was utterly unable to mumble a single word, and this at a time when they had paused to let me talk! At these times I can't do much other than cover my eyes with my hands and slowly exhale a drawn-out, raspy breath, as though excusing myself from my conversational duties in order to concentrate on a gas bubble percolating somewhere inside. The group giggles and laughs, ahah, look at him, the reticent fool! What I was trying to tell everybody was that I had finally joined Facebook, which was probably better left unsaid anyway.
- Wednesday, July 18, 2007 at 22:38
